Helping Children Through Divorce

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Helping Children through Divorce

Julie Sams, MA, LPC

Owner/ Therapist, Bowman Family Services

Explaining the divorce to your children

  1. It is important to explain to kids what is happening and why so that they don’t create false ideas about what is happening.  Be honest and brief.  Share just enough information to let them know what is happening without details they do not need.
  2. Be very careful to not talk badly about the other parent.
  3. Do not blame the other parent.  Make sure they understand that while one parent may have done something to cause the end of the marriage that it is both parents that contributed to the end of the marriage. If you blame the other parent, the child can feel like they need to take sides.
  4. Depending on the age of the child, this is an excellent opportunity to discuss healthy relationships.
  5. Kids often know way more than you think they know because they get bits and pieces of conversations they have overheard.
  6. Make sure they understand that even though their parents are no longer living together, they are both still their parents and love them very much.

Your child’s emotional needs

  1. Ask them how they are feeling.  Do not avoid talking about the divorce.
  2. Encourage them to express their feelings through talking to both parents, friends, and family, journaling, art, music, writing, etc.
  3. Let your child know that you know they are likely sad and angry, and these feelings are totally normal.
  4. It is ok to let them know that you are hurt and angry too.  They will notice you are feeling sad and angry at times and it is best for you to let them briefly know your feelings so they do not think they did something wrong.
  5. Practice and teach using “I messages” to communicate feelings.  “I feel _________ because ____________.”
  6. Check in with them regularly to see how they are feeling and discuss their concerns. Bed time and car rides can be excellent times for good conversations.

Developing a good schedule and getting back to a routine

  1. Kids thrive of structure and consistency.  Strive towards it.
  2. Work towards agreeing on a schedule as quickly as possible
  3. Listen to your child’s suggestions about their schedule, but make sure they know you and your ex will be making the final decision.
  4. Be open to changing the schedule if it does not work for your child.