Assertiveness does not come naturally. Many children struggle with finding a way to be assertive without hurting someone’s feelings or letting their own feelings get hurt. More often than not, children allow small, and not-so-small events to just pass by without saying anything at all. Maybe another student called them lame, cut in line, cheated off their paper, took their food at lunch. Maybe their mom seems to be treating a sibling more favorably. Maybe a teacher graded their paper wrong. Maybe their brother took something and they got blamed for it. So many situations can arise that call for a child to stand up for themselves and be assertive.
So how do you teach them?
They need to know the difference between being Passive, Assertive, and Aggressive.
Passive- When you allow someone to do something or say something to you, and don’t do or say anything in return. I always cringe when I hear parents say “just walk away” or “just ignore them” because often not saying anything can lead to feelings of resentment and anger. For instance, a student sits down beside you and starts talking badly about a friend of yours. You are bothered and do not like what they are saying one bit, but you don’t say anything at all to the student. In this situation, you are likely angry that they are saying things about your friend, and you would like them to stop. By not saying anything, you have not set a clear boundary for the other person and the behavior may continue. There are times it may be best just to let things go, but only if they really do not bother you.
Assertive- This is where the practicing comes into play. Being assertive means communicating how you feel and what you would like the other person to do. It is direct and confident. It involves facing the person, looking them in the eye and stating to them in a clear, firm voice what you want. Your body language should have your eyes on the person, your shoulders up and back and square with the other person. You are communicating with a calm manner that states your feelings and what you want without trying to hurt the other person’s feelings.
Aggressive- You yell, you hit, you throw things, you call people names, you hurt other people’s feelings. Often, if you are passive, you store anger within and then swing to being aggressive because you allowed someone to overstep their bounds with you and did not say anything. Hence the term Passive-Aggressive, which many of your children have likely heard of before. Obviously, not where you want to be.
You can likely relate to all of these since it is hard for all of us to be Assertive in a situation. I am sure you can think of a time that you let something go, then the anger over that situation deepened, until you lost your cool and became aggressive. Yep, it’s happened to us all.
Draw the three communication styles out on paper, explain each to your child, and have them think of examples. Then role play situations that may come up and have your child practice appropriate body language, confidence in his or her voice, eye contact, and what they can say. Teach your children to use “I statements”. I feel _____________ when you ____________, and would like ______________”. Then, practice, practice, practice. It’s very awkward to some, but it will get easier with practice.